پاک نویس

I challenged my readers into writing me their daily thoughts. I’m thinking It’ll be unfair if I don’t do the same. So here it is, the last thought I sleep with every night

At first everything is good, I’m sleepy, I’m yawning, I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming of beautiful things and then suddenly a small particle of my dream collides with one of the realities of my life and this collision emits a load of adrenaline through my veins and then I simply can’t sleep! I’ll turn on my phone wireless and I check my blog comments multiple times not because I’m so into comments but because I simply have nothing else to check! I mean dear blog writer friends! Write more for the love of God! The girl cannot sleep! After this ritual is completed I’ll login to every application my phone beholds, normally no one is available that late at night but if anyone is I usually manage to tell them something I’m definitely going to regret and deny in the morning!  Afterwards I decide to find peace in music but the illusion that it is! Every freaking song in my phone is tightly tied to a memory and has a million stories behind it, so try to sleep with that load of hunting memories! I have a song it’s called:” late night lullaby! It’s my last refuge! It goes like this: Lay me down! Milo Brown! Fast sleep like little cherub been! I traveled far and I traveled wild and I’ve SEEN SOMETHINGS THAT I RATHER LEAVE BEHIND

And there it goes! This very simple last sentence messes me up again and gets me thinking about all the things that I rather leave behind!

Now I’m also hungry from all the thinking, my blood sugar is low and ‘cause the time went by so fast I have like 5 hours to sleep! Pressing my pillow onto my stomach I give into sleep and the last thought on my mind is how much I hate myself for the trauma I just put myself through!

My waking up has 3 stages! Stage one is when my mom wakes up and from the little sounds she makes my sleep gets a little lighter entering me in a mood that I completely remember my dreams when I wake up! I often see the weirdest dreams! Weird doesn’t start to describe them! The next stage is when my father wakes up and from all the noises he makes, I’ll get mentally fully awake! Now I go over my dream! I ask myself, why would you dream of such a thing? I review with myself all the things that may have caused that dream! I review the past night, the past day, days lead into weeks, weeks into months and before I know it I’ll be reviewing events of years ago! And the last stage is when I actually get up sometimes done by slapping myself! So as you can see I feel like shit before the day has really started!

P.S

For dear concerned readers it’s not always like this! The passage was the worst case scenario!